Category Archives: depression

Leave It All Behind

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Genesis 12:1 MSG “God told Abram: “Leave your country, your family, and your father’s home for a land that I will show you.”

While growing up in the 70’s/80’s, one of my favorite TV shows was “Little House on the Prairie”. If I listen closely in my mind, I can hear the theme song starting up with the view of a covered wagon being pulled along. The TV show is a classic. I could watch the reruns over and over. There’s something about the Ingalls family arriving out in the vast openness of unsettled territory and building something of their own against opposition that strikes a warm feeling in my heart. The bravery and unity makes it a novelty to the adventurous side of me. Leaving it all behind and starting out fresh. That’s an adventure.

The Bible is full of stories of people who left the familiar behind to pursue the extraordinary. From Abram, later Abraham, to Moses and the Jews, to the disciples and their fish nets, to the prostitute brought to Jesus to be judged and then executed, but was told to go and sin no more. Leaving behind is a concept that God championed from the moment Adam and Eve decided to pick up sin in the Garden and began the burden carrying of the human race. It would take a “leaving behind” of sorts to really be free.

I’ve often thought of the courage it took to hop into a covered wagon with husband and kids and traverse such a long distance that seeing family and the town you grew up in would become virtually impossible. That is truly leaving it behind. That’s the kind of courage that Abram needed to get up and leave all the familiar to pursue the promises in the vastness of the Call of God. Abram did what God wanted with full assurance that the One who called him out was taking him to a better land. He believed he would see a “city whose architect and builder was God” Hebrews 11:10.

There are places, in our minds, that are very hard to “leave behind” Anxieties, Guilt, false responsibility, fears, etc. I have wrestled with walking away from them on the daily. I try to imagine how it would be if I were to hop on a covered wagon and travel for days to a new place far away from them. It would be impossible to pick them up or entertain them in the least. I would be “forced” to entertain the factors of the New Life. The truth of the matter is that I do have a New Life, and I am not “forced” but invited to leave behind and travel far away from the land of captivity I have lived. I can leave behind the anxieties and pick up trust. I can leave behind the guilt and pick up my freedom from fault. I can leave behind all the false responsibility I have carried and accept what is truly mine to maintain. I can leave behind the fears and pick up the courage to accept what is. I can drop off the chains because I am free.

When the crushing weight of what I was never meant to be tries to weigh my mind down, I can get out from underneath it all. Because I am a new creation that is free.  God has called me out. 

I love Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” God wants us free. He wants us to know a life without the burdens we carry, some self-imposed, some others imposed. As it says in Psalms 40, God has lifted us from a pit and set us upon a rock. He has filled our mouths with a new song of praise to God. So that many will see just what God can do and put their trust in Him. Our leaving behind the old to pursue the vast newness of God’s Freedom Frontier is a testimony to all those behind us struggling in their own pits. It speaks of how you can be pulled out and move on to the Land of the Blessed Life that Jesus died to give. The land of freedom for which Christ in His great love has set us free to explore and enjoy.

Speak Peace: It Is So

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“When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid.” Mark 5:15

There’s an account in the Bible of a mad man, demon possessed. He lived among the tombs, had unusual strength, ran around naked, and broke any chains or shackles they used to subdue him. He spent his days cutting himself with stones and crying out. His encounter with Jesus was life changing for him to say the least. After Jesus cast the demons out of him and sent them to a heard of pigs the man was found sitting near Jesus, clothed and perfectly sane. Such a story of hope for anyone who struggles in their mind.

I’ve never lived a life comparable to that man, but I have known torments within my mind. The truth of Jesus being all powerful, sovereign, and the healer, brings such comfort. I’ve experienced that power in my own life. I have known the terror of nightmares. I have lived a fear-based life. I’ve known the compulsion to get up and check door locks several times at night, and feel the ceiling for heat of a possible fire in the attic. I’ve experienced sleepless nights with my mind running, and trying to numb the noise with loud music blaring in my ears to drown it out. In all these things, I also know the peace Jesus has brought to me. Like the man possessed by demons, I have had an encounter with the Prince of Peace. He has quieted the storms in my mind.

I can also say that the phrase, “You’ve come a long way baby.” Means quite a bit, and I know I still have a long way to go. I’m reminded of the account in the Bible of the Israelites possessing the promised land. They didn’t get all of it in one day. They had many battles. Many battles that taught them to fight. Many battles that taught them to trust. The battles I’ve fought have been much like that. One stronghold at a time being torn down. When the struggle to leave behind the nightmares was going on I could not imagine a night of peace without them. When I checked the doors at night, it was hard to imagine going to bed without contemplating it once. Stronghold by stronghold, battles fought, battles won. Peace given to a heart that desperately needed to know peace.

I once heard Beth Moore say how desperately she needed Jesus and His word.  That had it not been for the word of the Bible and how it had reshaped her mind, she would not have the sanity she has.  I agree with that sentiment.  I can not be thankful enough for the truth that God’s word, “renews my mind”.  That healing has brought so much peace. But I also know the reality that there are many more giants to slay.

Elevation Worship has a song called “It Is So”.  There’s a phrase in it that has meant a lot to me lately:  

“By Your stripes, I am healed
With one touch I am made whole
You have spoken, and I know that it is so
In the storm You are peace
And Your love won’t let me go
You have spoken, and I know that it is so”

Jesus looked at the demon possessed man in Gerasenes.  He spoke freedom for him from the thousands of torments he was controlled by, and at that word there was peace. He spoke and it was so.  What a comfort to know that the same power, love, and words of peace are extended to me today.  When I come to Him struggling with anxiety or any other struggle I may face, I can know that He speaks and It is so.  

I love the picture of peace when I think of that man sitting clothed and in his right mind.  It’s that picture that God wants to make a reality for anyone who comes to Him.  Jesus paid the price. “It is so.”

The Monkey On My Back Vrs. Free

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When my youngest son was a toddler, he was a runner. Let him out of his car seat and he had no intention of staying with you. He would take off, or he may try the opposite of dragging his feet and lingering behind. It was quite unnerving to this mother of four. As they say, “desperate times call for desperate measures” I resorted to those “desperate measures” … I got a leash. At first, I struggled with the idea. I had judged other moms with their toddlers in leashes before the realization came that I needed to become “one of those moms”. So, with no shame, I went to Walmart and found the cutest little leash. It looked like a monkey back pack that you would strap on the toddler. Then the tail that came off the monkey was the leash. The cuteness of the leash took away the sting of guilt I felt when I put it on him and grabbed the tail. At least I had the runner contained.

Everything was great until the day I took him downtown to trick or treat the business of our small town. I attempted to put the cute little leash on him. At that point my son had figured out how restricted he felt his life was with it.  He decided to throw a toddler revolt like none other.  He started screaming as loud as he could, “I DON’T WANT THE MONKEY ON MY BACK!!” over and over as he threw himself face down on the sidewalk. We ended up in an agreement that day.  I told him if he would hold my hand and stay very close to me, I would leave the monkey off, but if he tried anything at all, the monkey would be on his back again.  This became a regular threat that seemed to work with him.  As I unbuckled him from his seat, I would tell him he could walk on his own and hold my hand.  But just one time of him leaving my side and I would get out the monkey.  He would say with the most sincerity, “Ok momma, I don’t want the monkey on my back. Please don’t put him on my back.”  Win for mom.  Win for son.  

There are a lot of parallels between my toddler son with his monkey leash and me with life.  There are so many “monkeys” that can be strapped to my back. Some of them I put on willingly, some I have put on me, some I’m not sure what happened exactly but I’ve found it strapped on and confining me. I, like my son, do not like having “the monkey on my back”.  So, I go to God and ask Him to set me free.  God most assuredly does set me free, but the degree to which I experience the freedom from the “monkey” is also related to the degree to which I walk closely to God. I am sure I am not alone in my disdain for the “monkeys”.  “Monkeys” such as addiction, anxiety, depression, etc. just to name a few, plague us all. It’s the whole reason Jesus came.  He knows we all experienced the bondage of the “Monkeys”, but He also knows how to remove and dispose of the “Monkeys”.  

I’ve been contemplating a couple of verses in Psalms the past few days, “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.  Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.” Psalms 32:7-8 

God wants to keep us close.  He’s extended the invitation to us to “Come near to God and He will come near to us…”  James 4:8 His desire to keep us close is for our own good.  We may not always understand the paths He wants us to walk down, but He wants us to hold his hand and walk with Him.  We, on the other hand, get our own ideas of where we want to go and what we want to do.  We may run ahead trying to figure out where exactly we’re going so we can try to control what happens, or we may do our best to lag behind, drag our feet, and avoid the path God brings us to due to fear of what may come.  God wants us to not be like that.  His reasons are for our good. He wants to “instruct us and teach us in the way we should go.”  and all this with “His loving eye on us.”  He loves us. That’s the motivation, love.  God instructs us to not be like a horse that needs a bit and bridle to come close to Him.  He looks at us much like I looked at my toddler son.  I preferred to not have “the Monkey on his back”.  But I did what I had to insure He understood how important it was for him to stay nearby. Ultimately it was for his safety and well-being.  Ultimately, me staying close to God, listening to His still small voice, and responding to His leading is for my spiritual safety and well-being as well.  God doesn’t want to see me with a proverbial “monkey on my back” as well, He wants me free.  But that freedom and safety only comes as I am close to Him and experience His love. The things that entice and entrap me only have their power to do so when I find myself doing my own thing resisting the closeness of being by His side, or hiding from Him because I don’t see Him as He is, a loving Father. 

Jesus said in John 8:32 “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life” John 14:6. He is in the business of getting rid of our “monkeys”. The question is, “Will I walk close enough and be open enough to Him to let Him do it?”

(Side note: while preparing this Blog my son, now 16 saw the above picture of the Monkey Leash. He said, “What on earth is that for?!?!” I told Him my Blog. He then replied, “Oh… I hate that thing!” Lol)

Peace Flowers Sprouting in My Mind

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“It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.” I’m pretty sure that quote was about the weather in Missouri. Monday this week was almost 70 degrees, by Wednesday we had 4 inches of snow.

I value my sunshine. I probably have a touch of S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) if I’m honest about it. I’m a warm weather, sunny day, good mood kind of person, which might necessitate a move down South when my husband retires, or at least a yearly Caribbean cruise in February. (hint, hint if you’re reading this Rich)

Anyway, during my one warm day I took a walk around and looked at my different flower beds which I discovered last year that I actually like working in and that I might possibly have a green thumb. (Long story). I noticed that I had some plants coming up. Plants from some Amaryllis belladonna “Naked Ladies” bulbs my son and I planted last spring. I was surprised to see them because the situation for that particular area I planted wasn’t the greatest, it didn’t drain well and was overrun with weeds at the end of summer. So, I chalked it up to a flower gardening fail. When I looked down and saw the small green plants poking through the soil, I thought of the verses in Galatians 6:7-9 “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” What I planted really did come up even if I gave up.

I’ve been contemplating these verses a lot this week.  Mainly because it’s a part of a devotion book I’m reading Secrets of the Secret Place by Bob Sorge.  He was talking about how our time spent with God was like planting seeds.  If we are faithful to plant them, God is faithful to grow His character in us.  As he puts it, “This kind of sowing will produce a harvest in your walk with Him. It will change you and, in turn, begin to affect everything around you.” 

That’s exactly what I need. I’ve been looking at the things I struggle with mainly anxiety and depression, and how I long for God to bring out His fruit in my life: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness, Goodness, and Self-Control. So, I began to think about what kind of Seed I need to plant into my heart and mind to take the place of the weeds of anxiety and depression the enemy has sown. Where do I need to fix my mind when it tries to spiral down that path? I was reminded of another verse.
Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you.” Back when I was in high school, I stumbled across this verse and committed it to memory. I remember it being a source of comfort when I struggled then with the fears of What will I become? Where will I go? Etc. Typical teen stuff. It was what I needed then, but it is also what I need now.

Joyce Meyer wrote a book called, The Battlefield of the Mind. There’s a lot of truth conveyed in that title. My mind is a battlefield, and it’s not a war that will stop after a few good fights.  I will have to fight for my peace and my freedom within my mind until I stand face to face with Jesus.  I’ve got to decide if my happiness and joy is worth the effort to fight for it.  If so, how will I wage war? There are some victories that God gives us as we stand by and watch Him work with His power and glory.  But there are others that He wants us to take a stand in and rely on Him to arm us for battle.  

A few years ago, I began seeing a Christian Counselor for the struggles I have had within my mind. She’s given me a lot of practical ideas that help with my mood and attitude like exercise, sunshine, and gardening. But one thing she told me was how true Philippians 4:8 really is. “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things… And the God of peace will be with you.” She told me “It’s a matter of replacing the negative thoughts with the positive thoughts of God.”

I’m seeing a pattern here. If I am wanting to reap a harvest of peace, or see “peace flowers” come up in my mind, I need to keep my mind on the Prince of Peace, Jesus and think of all the qualities He has that are listed Philippians 4:8, and also because I am His, He has put these qualities within me. It might take a while, I may not see immediate result, and I can guarantee you that I’ve felt like many times that my mind was as ill prepared as the small flower garden area I planted the Naked Ladies Bulbs. But God assures me, What I plant I will get back. I can trust in Him to do just that. Keep looking. The green sprouts will eventually press their way through.